My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Going to church you guys need anything
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse