My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My love language is deader than Latin
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in