My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?