My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*