Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.