Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.