Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
BRAKING NEWS!!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?