My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
