My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
