My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
