My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I can fix him.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My neck my back my allergy attack
