Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?