My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
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All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
