My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo