My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I triple waxed for this?
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
