Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

I’m dying louder than usual today.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

❤️❤️❤️

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not