My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Breaking news:
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
This January has 47 Mondays
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack