@Darlainky

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

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@thatUPSdude

When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.

@SladeWentworth

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

@envydatropic

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

@tamytoo2

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

@ln0217

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

@AbbieEvansXO

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

@treydayway

Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.

@XplodingUnicorn

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

@thedad

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear