@Darlainky

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

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@bostongal12

*Eating mini Reese’s cups*

5&7: Mommy what are you eating?

M: Dog poop.

@jimmytorosian

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

@RealSugarFree

Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.

@DanMentos

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

@KWalps

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

@junejuly12

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

@juliussharpe

If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

@mooseandriosmom

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”