@shenanigansen
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
@Darlainky
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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@shenanigansen
@Chumpstring
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
@climaxximus
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
@HispanicIcon
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
@DrCephalopod
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
@CatsVsHumanity
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
@imskytrash
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
@SnarkyMommy78
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
@Jenny4ashley
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
@doktorj
A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night.
*twists ankle by the copier