@bostongal12
*Eating mini Reese’s cups*
5&7: Mommy what are you eating?
M: Dog poop.
@Darlainky
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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@bostongal12
@jimmytorosian
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
@RealSugarFree
Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
@DanMentos
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
@KWalps
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
@junejuly12
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
@juliussharpe
If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
@prufrockluvsong
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
@mooseandriosmom
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
@HomeProbably
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”