*Eating mini Reese’s cups*
5&7: Mommy what are you eating?
M: Dog poop.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– space bar
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”