@Darlainky

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

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@shenanigansen

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

@Chumpstring

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

@climaxximus

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

@HispanicIcon

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

@DrCephalopod

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

@CatsVsHumanity

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

@imskytrash

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

@SnarkyMommy78

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

@Jenny4ashley

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

@doktorj

A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night.

*twists ankle by the copier