When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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I only say “I love you” to
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: you like my car?
Me: I could do this all day.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear