FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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ME: Do you want children?
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.
16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?
Me: A fork??
16: Yes. Do not tweet this.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON