@Darlainky
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
@PostCultRev
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
@UncleDuke1969
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
@broken_rhi
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
@Phook75
Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.
@SaltyCorpse
16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?
Me: A fork??
16: Yes. Do not tweet this.
@OneFunnyMummy
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
@Samzen_
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
@TheBoydP
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
@ericsshadow
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
@Reverend_Scott
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON