Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started