My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.