My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
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This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY