My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.