My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
oh u like geography? name every lake
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.