My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.