My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
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One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Pringles
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
