Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.