My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Twitter is an abusement park.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.