My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
This forever.
