Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Very problematic

Asking the real questions!

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

prepare for carbonated trouble

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Can you solve the riddle??

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.