Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks