My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
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I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
🤣could you imagine
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.