@LoveNLunchmeat

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

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@Pat_Bren

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

@ShootyDoody

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

@KayRants

I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

@InternetHippo

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

@murrman5

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

@squirrel74wkgn

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

@Proxic0n

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

@KeetPotato

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”