Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

That’s not how days work.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.