My daughter proved to be the smartest person in this house by going to bed at 8:30.
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
this is so top tier i cant
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
#ProTip
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots