My daughter proved to be the smartest person in this house by going to bed at 8:30.
You Might Also Like
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky