My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I know
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
