My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”