Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”