Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

At an art museum and I thought this was art

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it