My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.