Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

I need to update my racial profile.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.