My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
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*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.