My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
i’m sure it’s fine
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream