My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Try and stop me.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.