My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
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It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.