@jiggynye

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

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@krustythe_klown

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

@existential_d

my mum has bad english (she’s thai) and sometimes it’s hard to communicate. yesterday we were arguing, going back and forth until she ended my career by saying ‘you will never understand… i am rice, you are potato’ and tbh… i’m still trying to think of a comeback,, respect

@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@fro_vo

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@joshgondelman

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

@simoncholland

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

@KeetPotato

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”