My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
You Might Also Like
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The symmetry is uncanny.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U