My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
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writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal