Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

turning my gender off to conserve energy

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass