Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

“That’s what” – She

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.