Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”