My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Shortcut
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.