The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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just make the entire table out of coaster
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.