Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.