My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
You Might Also Like
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
