My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
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Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Spider-cat: No One Home