Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

You can’t outrun your problems…

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.