Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

me adding lol on a serious message

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.