My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Childbirth is so beautiful
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
