Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Bloody internet 😳
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian