My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡