My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped