My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Good morning.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor