Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

not to brag, but mine was free

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Only you can prevent podcasts

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”