My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
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According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?