Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

anyone else like Italian cereal

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FurwWpCX0AE5V9B.mp4

*bites zombie*

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.