Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

Ron is short for Aaronald

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”