Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”