My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
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Squash
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!