Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question