Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Me as a therapist: omg same

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.