My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Saying “3 twins” is wild.